When living abroad, most people experience a common roller-coaster of emotions. Scholars and academics have even graphed it and named it the “Cross Cultural Adjustment Cycle.”
Cultural Adjustment Curve – borrowed from https://studyabroad.colorado.edu/
The basic run down is that when you arrive in a new country/culture, you first experience a honey moon phase. Everything is new and great – you think you will be happy forever. This new place is way more exciting than home ever was.
But then things start to change. You realize that splashing yourself with cold water may be more uncomfortable than exhilarating, and after the millionth piece of double-fried tempeh and the billionth mosquito bite you are about ready to call it a day.
But you stick it out, and things start to look up again. You get a handle on the language and the cultural cues. You know where to find peanut butter and a hot shower when you need it. You start to make friends and have good conversations, and you think, “Maybe I’ve made it! I’m really a part of life here in this awesome new place!”
If only life were so simple. Now is when you start with the deeper adjustment. It isn’t just the mosquitoes and the constant picture taking that bug you anymore – now you are starting to wonder about progress and efficiency and why everyone around you just doesn’t seem to understand life the way you understand it. And you start to question yourself – have you made the right decisions, will you ever reach where you thought you were going, does anyone really love you?
But have no fear! This too shall pass. This is where the real, meaningful adjustment takes place. This is where you truly learn about yourself and about other people. This is where you learn about how beautifully diverse and vibrant the world is, but also how much we have in common. It’s a rocky road, but if you can navigate the stones it is well worth the enormous amount of effort you will have to put into it.
I really think it is fascinating that we as humans all have this somehow programmed into our psychologies. There is a whole metaphor here about our shared journeys and how “we’re all in this together,” but for now I will spare you that tangent. Let it suffice to say that, fascinating as it may be, sitting strapped into the roller coaster of cultural adjustment doing cork-screws and figure 8’s is bound to sometimes catch you with a look of sheer terror on your face.
I am not proud to admit that, in my own recent roller coaster experiences, I haven’t always kept an open mind. My totally subjective and flawed feelings regarding the superiority of my own culture are completely normal and expected, but they still don’t make me proud. I love America. I love my culture, my language, my family, my friends, and my food. But that doesn’t give me a right to think that another language is stupid because it doesn’t use “the” or “a” or distinguish between the genders of third-person singular pronouns. I recognize that these feelings are both silly and 100% biased by my own experience, and that they keep me from appreciating that new languages, people, and cultures are actually really cool.
But there are some days where they creep up on me none-the-less. In general I think I keep a pretty open mind and heart towards the people around me, but no one can be on their “A-game” all the time. Especially not while whooshing along a rickety track with your hands clutching on for dear life and the wind whipping your hair into your mouth and making your eyes water (or were those tears?).
We all have our moments. Exhibit A: Sofia Vergara (photo borrowed from http://www.thefrisky.com)
The point is that I have decided to take this opportunity to counteract the loop-de-loops by sharing with all of you something that I truly admire about Indonesia and Indonesians (at least the ones I have met).
Indonesians really value spending time together. Visiting neighbors and family members is an integral part of society and culture here. And what do people do when they are visiting one another, you ask? Usually, just hanging out! They talk, they eat, they sit, they spend time.
I, as an American and an individual, have this constant need to be efficient and productive. I’m not much of a small talker, but I will ask you what you think the solutions to all the world’s problems are over a cup of coffee. It is hard for me to not have a reason, excuse, or a plan when I invite people over (or invite myself to visit someone else). Here that is a problem because the culture doesn’t function that way. We don’t need to be having a movie-night or be baking cookies together to have an excuse to hang-out. No one schedules an appointment or calls ahead to spend time with their neighbors. Instead, they just walk on over. People show up whenever they want – you make tea, put out some fried tempeh, and sit back and enjoy just being together.
I admit that this is something that is hard for me to get used to. I have trouble sitting still and my thoughts easily (perhaps compulsively) stray to, “I could be playing guitar/studying/reading/lesson planning/making materials/clipping my toenails/etc. right now…”
But I am learning. This past Sunday I had the privilege of being invited along to visit a fellow teacher’s family members in a nearby village. We spent a lovely, relaxing afternoon just hanging out. It was such a treat to get to know these beautiful and amazing individuals without the distraction or pressure of efficiency and productivity.
The Sunday crew. They were cracking me up. The bapak taught himself some English, and was coming out with some awesome sentences and hilarious jokes.
We talked, we ate, we sat, we looked at catfish, and we wandered the rice paddies. It was wonderful.
Wandering taking pictures.
So, America (and any other country that cares to listen), this is my word of wisdom for you today – sent with warm breezes and mango juice all the way from Java. Slow down. Our productivity and efficiency are great, and I love them. But don’t miss the life that is happening all around you. Don’t miss the precious opportunities to truly see the people and places that surround you. Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, take some time to be with people. Because in the end, what is all our productivity and efficiency for if not for the benefit of ourselves and the people around us? And if they are who we do it all for, wouldn’t you like to actually know them?
The young and the old – a grandmother with her grandchild. These are the moments that connect us all. Find them, and enjoy them!
Worth a Journey 
Believe it or not, there was a time, not too many years ago, when we did just sit around with friends for a cup of coffee & a relaxing evening of conversation. We were not all caught up in social dinner parties or other outlandish social engagements. We have lost a very important part of our interactions with others. How I miss those good old days.
Thanks for the comment! I think you would find it interesting that when I was in England I went to “Sunday Roast” with some British families a few times, and they were shocked when I told them that most American families today don’t have a similar tradition anymore. We just ate and sat and talked for hours – no screens, no organized activities, just being together. I loved it, and it really challenged me to think about the way I want to organize my time. I think there are many people my age who feel like something is “missing” because we don’t spend time on the simpler things (that are so important) like being together, enjoying the present moment, and having conversation. I hope that the more we realize what we have lost, and the more we feel its absence, we will be able to reclaim it on our list of priorities.